“She Loves Me” by Quinn Johnson
I’m sure that I’m not alone when I say I’ve fought hard to fully accept myself as a person, as a woman. As a curvy, Black, woman at that. Loving myself has felt almost impossible living environments and realities, that highlighted my previously perceived flaws. I believed that my body was flawed, unacceptable, “fast”, not good enough, not thin enough. By who’s fucking standards?!!! I’m sure you can answer that.
Disordered eating habits, poor relationships with food, with my body, and internalized fat phobia were all passed down to me by the patriarchy, misogynoir, racism. Ideas and standards that were never ours to accept.
During a cozy couch conversation with my bestie, I realize just how familiar with and traumatized we are from these experiences. Most importantly, how necessary it is to speak about these issues publicly; to show other little girls, boys and non-binary folx that they aren’t alone. We share this; in hope that they learn to love themselves early, and are shielded from harm and encouraged to love their kin, just as deeply. It stops with us. Thank you to my sister, for making this possible and for shedding such an illuminating light and your spirit with us!
“She Loves Me” by Quinn Johnson
“I am a 25-year-old black woman. According to science, my brain is fully formed, and according to some, I am no longer a young adult. With this new adulthood came many challenges and changes. Many of the changes my parents prepared me for, such as changes in friendships and other relationships, changes in mindset, changes in career. To an extent, I was mentally prepared for all of these changes. Being a 25-year-old adult in 2024, I was not prepared for the chaos and stressors of the outside world. On top of that, I was not prepared for my body to be changing along with the whole world.
At age 25, I stood in the mirror and asked myself what happened to my body? I took a look at myself and couldn’t recognize her. I was not prepared for my butt to have just that one extra dimple in it that it didn’t have at age 24, but it does. I was not prepared for my breasts to grow even more than what they did just three months ago, but they did. And I definitely was not prepared for my body dysmorphia, that I have worked so hard at overcoming and healing, to come flooding back at age 25, but it did and to some extent, it feels like she is here to stay.
I feel that I am constantly in a battle between my mind and reality because there are days where I wish so badly I could crawl out of my skin and back into my younger body. But then I think about the person I was, who I was surrounded by, and what I was doing. Now that is a person I could hardly recognize now. I was not healthy, and the relationships I cultivated at that time were equally as unhealthy. I was in a relationship that made me feel less than, I was told that if I gained weight I was no longer attractive. I had an unhealthy relationship with food, and some days just would not eat. I was unrecognizable. I wish so badly to give that younger version of myself a hug.
And so now, as I look at myself in the mirror, I think about what I have now. I think about how I am the healthiest that I have ever been. I think about how I am in a good and healthy relationship with food. I think about my friends who are so kind, reassuring, encouraging and loving. I think about my partner who loves, and will continue to love every part of me, changed and unchanged. I think about myself and how I love every part of me, changed and unchanged. I was not prepared for the chaos that is this world. I was not prepared for my body dysmorphia to pop her head back up at age 25. But I was prepared to talk about it with my kin. I am prepared to continue to unlearn my internalized fat-phobia because my body and your body is beautiful, changed and unchanged. I am prepared to continue showing love to my body in every way as it continues to change in this lifetime. I take care of her, because she takes great care of me.
Today, I told myself that I am beautiful, just like Jill said “from my hair follicles, to my toe nails” but in my case “from my butt dimple to my bigger boobs”. You are beautiful too.”
Please feel free to email me at mi-shael@radicalwell-beingcenter.com with topics you desire to see reflected in my blog posts. All posts will be anonymous, except chosen stories of my own that I will share. As my schedule persists, I intend to post weekly or biweekly. Welcome to Truths of Our Hues.
Peace and with love,
Mi-shael
