“Wildfires”
Year 2023 for me began as a dumpster fire. I felt what was left of my already tattered heart, crack more and fall into the pits of my stomach. I hit my rock bottom. I was sick, isolated and humiliated. I felt like I was living a very poorly written reality tv show. Most days, I operated on auto pilot, just trying to get through each day without crying or fighting the urge of doing something completely insane. I would’ve lost everything, along my mind with an impulsive decision of vengeance.
The love that I thought I had, the tribe that I thought I could call home, turned out to be a house of illusions, that taught me most of the things I do not want in my life. In the end, my worth amounted to what I was able to offer financially, physically and sexually. That told me all I needed to know about myself and that environment. Lessons are funny that way, they always become clear at the end of our suffering. Greed/overconsumption, egotism, recklessness, chaos and confusion were traits that felt comforting to me because of my background/upbringing. To be loved, and to be accepted, I would have given anything, the truth is I had literally run out of anything to give. My well ran dry. My energy needed restoration. I didn’t have anything left, I barely had anything to give myself at the beginning of 2023. I was doing shit completely backwards. (But how could I know? I don’t think anyone really taught me how to be loved properly only to love unconditionally). I had internalized the idea that if I was able to handle or tolerate that kind of treatment, then for sure, my love, worth and strength would somehow be recognized. It was not. No matter how much I gave, no matter the lengths I was willing to go.
I was lost, I was hurt…until I was numb. When I was no longer able to offer tactile or material or things, my worth was discounted. I had 0 value if I had nothing to give. At first I didn’t have energy to rage either. So, I fawned; to survive. Even while being disrespected, in my own space. The only place I had known to call home at that time. I had to forfeit my urge to respond with rage.
Why?
1. I learned to keep quiet a very long time ago. To protect the image of others and myself, to appear to be okay. Strong. I learned very early in life to lie and people please. 2. I had been threatened with the police to “cooperate” lol. The irony. I had been attacked spiritually & emotionally and (previously physically) but somehow threatened with the police?! To be threatened by someone with a laundry list of transgressions was laughable. To be threatened by someone working for the betterment of social and justice systems for Black and Queer people? A paradox. Again, a very poorly written reality show. My body knew how to protect itself even though I didn’t have the energy to. I had to dissociate, I don’t think I’d be writing this today if I hadn’t. Gone or in jail.
Derealization. I wore a mask. I was “showing up” and “being nice”. Not many in my life at that time wanted the angry, the raging version of me that told my stories of pain and grief. I couldn’t understand why only the accommodating, giving and bright parts of me were accepted by these people. When I’d sit in the dark with anyone who may need it. Literally, I would’ve given the shirt off of my back and my last dollar. And have. While enduring all of this, these reflections made my blood boil. “Be kind, be nice, be good.”
Fuck that. Because where had that gotten me? I wanted to raise hell. I wanted to give everyone the validation that I was in fact: “Crazy”. Word to Cole Arthur Riley, I got tired of being a “bridge, trampled on daily so that folks could be guided across deep waters without ever getting wet.” I wanted to draw blood. Get pay back for all of my tears, sweat and blood shed from all of my heartbreak over 3 years. Years of constant confusion, manipulation and sucking of my energy. But I didn’t.
I needed to start making healthier decisions. I had already lost too much time, and too much of my sanity. I wanted to keep my dignity. I learned last year that justice can be served in ways we wouldn’t expect, in ways that we may never even witness. I found the art of boundaries, that protected me from vultures looking to pick at my exposed wounds. I discerned that we can find true freedom & peace in the act of letting go, sometimes. However, do not forget that naturally, wildfires can be restorative. Fire isn’t always destructive. It clears forest floors of debris, nourishes soil and opens up ecosystems to more sunlight. We also know not to play with it. Thank you ancestors. Thank you god. Thank you mi-shael.
I reflected on how I had disrespected myself and others reactively. I didn’t value myself enough, I forgot about myself last year and in previous years. In the beginning of these reflections, what upset me the most was that I felt I had been too open, too vulnerable. Yes, but I was finding myself and a better understanding of life. When I look from this perspective, it helps me to move forward and remain open to what is meant for me. I was finally able to ascertain the importance of my vulnerability, but to protect it and leave spaces that disregard and degrade me.
I made a conscious decision a few months into 2023, that I needed me more than to be accepted and to fight for/earn love that I already deserved. Love that I already carried within me and love that was on its way to me. I learned how to care for myself wholeheartedly. I learned to embrace my solitude and find peace in the midst of my suffering. I worked my magick and my vinyasa. I made due with what I had and familiarized myself with the laws of detachment. I realized how to navigate abandonment, loss and still celebrate the joy and beauty of life. I figured out how to become less reactive, how to not be fueled by my anger. (Trust me, I know how to use it better now.) I truly discovered peace, strangely enough I found forgiveness in my own way. I absorbed real, and pure unconditionally love for myself and others. I hope you all do the same (but rage if you must and always stay safe.) Actively wishing that your 2024 allots you the ease and freedom of letting go of people, spaces, jobs, ideas/concepts, materials, patterns/habits etc. that do not allow you peace, safety and abundance. I zealously hope you receive all that you need, desire and more. <3
Ase.
Please feel free to email me at mi-shael@radicalwell-beingcenter.com with topics you desire to see reflected in my blog posts. All posts will be anonymous, except chosen stories of my own that I will share. As my schedule persists, I intend to post weekly or biweekly. Welcome to Truths of Our Hues.
Peace and with love,
Mi-shael
